You Changed Me
I was watching the show Once Upon A Time. (Yes, yes I was watching it, and I am unashamed!) The evil queen, Regina, is no longer evil and is dreaming of her time when she fell in love with Robin Hood. Robin had given his life in a fight to save the other characters shortly after him and Regina had finally kissed and professed their love for each other. Regina is currently captured and unconscious and she has a dream of Robin visiting her. After he encourages her to break through the evil closing in, Regina says to Robin, “Our time together was so short.” He replies, “But it doesn’t make it any less epic.”
I had to pause the show instantly because I broke down in tears. Part of the pain of losing a child is knowing there is so much incredible life that will never get to be lived. But the beauty in this conversation is the recognition that my loved one affected me epically. I looked down at my empty stomach and said, “Our time together was so short, but it doesn’t make it less epic to me.”
Stillbirth changes you emotionally, spiritually and physically. Jasper has changed me, inside and out. He has changed how I look at the world, how I love my husband and my living son, how I treat others and empathize with them. Jasper has changed my relationship with God. And most importantly, Jasper has changed me physically. When I lost my son and then proceeded to bury him, I feared I was losing all physical proof he existed. I didn’t want to let him physically go even though he was already gone. But I realize, he will never leave. I know there is a scar on my uterus where Jasper’s placenta was attached. My blood bears his story. My DNA knows he was a part of me. And for some crazy reason, I love that my body physically bears the marks of my mighty son. I know I carry him in my heart, although that is a place I am unable to comprehend. So I cling to the physical marks of love he left on me and it brings me some peace.
Even God understands this need for a physical representation of love. Isaiah 49:16 says, “ See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.”
Your name is written on the palms of Jesus’ hands. The very same hands that were nailed to the cross for you and for me. He promises that our walls, our pain, are always on his mind. Not only are his thoughts on us constantly, but his body bears the marks of our names.
There will never be a day that passes that I do not think of my son Jasper. Although our time was short, he has already changed me in an epic way and I know he will continue to do so for the rest of my life.