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  • Writer's picturerachelferiend

What’s Your Intent? (Pregnancy After Stillbirth: Part 2)

Nine months doesn’t seem like a very long time. But to any pregnant mother, it can feel like an eternity. More so if you are sick, or if it’s your first child, or even if your anticipation is running wild, nine months is a long time. But to those of you who have lost a child, nine months is not only daunting, it’s crippling. It’s too long for so much to go wrong.

After six months of pregnancy, I found myself reciting bible verses to thwart fear daily, memorizing new and encouraging scriptures often, reading the bible constantly, praying hourly, and even with all that, I could not shake the fear of losing this child. I became frustrated at myself. I felt like I was doing everything right to rid my heart of fear. And yet, it clung to me. I requested extra ultrasounds, went into my doctor’s office without appointments just to hear heart tones, and I kick counted religiously. And although there is nothing wrong with extra doppler visits and kick counting, I wondered why it wasn’t possible for me to not be afraid.

Believe me… I know the all the “do not be afraid” verses. I have written them in this very blog, I have memorized them and repeated them to myself more than you know. So why could these verses, these powerful, living verses, not be helping?

Since the Word is perfect and lacking in nothing, I knew it wasn’t the scriptures that were falling short in the presence of my fear… it had to be me.

One evening, I began to explain my disappointment and frustration in myself to my husband. Thankfully, and to my merit, my husband had insight from the Holy Spirit for my heart. My husband looked right at me and said, “What’s your intent?”

He began to explain that I could read and memorize every scripture in the Bible about fear and peace and at some point there wouldn’t be any more scriptures about fear and peace. He went on to say that if I only ever approach the Lord hoping He will stay my fear, I have the incorrect heart attitude. I am going to God with an agenda. God has everything under control. He knows our circumstances fully. Although He wants me to not be afraid, there is something God wants more than that. He wants me to seek Him. Charles then suggested that instead of reading the Bible with the hope of fixing my fear, I should approach my time spent with Jesus focused on knowing Him better.

After dropping that bomb on me, Charles went on to say, perhaps I should pray against the devil also. Both my husband and I are never too quick to give the devil credit for just anything. We both believe that he is subject to the Most High God, and realistically not worthy of our worry. But the Bible does say to pray against spiritual forces. “Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” (Ephesians 6:11-12) Although I wasn’t necessarily convinced my fear was being influenced by spiritual forces, I figured it couldn’t hurt to try.

My fellow rainbow baby mothers, I can honestly say that these two keys are vital to finding peace from your fear in your pregnancy. Of course reciting bible verses that remind us not to be fearful but to be brave and trust the Lord are going to encourage us. And declaring the blood of the Lamb over ourselves to cast out the devil’s schemes is more powerful than we know. But more important than our fear, and more important than bringing a living child into this world, is seeking the Lord.

I’m so thankful to my husband for his insight because it reminded me of the story of Shadrach, Meshack and Abednego. King Nebuchadnezzar had erected an image of gold and decreed that all his subjects must fall down and worship the idol when music was sounded throughout the city. Whoever did not worship would be thrown into a blazing furnace. When the Jews heard this decree, they said they would not obey. Furious, the King brought Shadrach, Meshack, and Abednego before him and told them they must bow down or be thrown into the furnace. They refused saying that they would only worship the one true God.

“If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” (Daniel 3:17-18)

The three men were thrown into the furnace, and when the guards checked to see that they were destroyed, there were four men inside, safe from the flames. God had saved Shadrach, Meshack, and Adednego.

When praying for the life of my sweet child in my belly, I prayed over and over that God would grant this baby their life on earth. It is good to pray this because it is the desire of our hearts that our children would live wonderful lives. We can see this in the story of the three Jews. God is both willing and able to do miracles to save his children. But Shadrach, Meshack, and Abednego believed that even if God chose not to save them, they would still only worship the one true God. Their intent was to seek God first, always.

This should be the cry of our hearts. We ask the Lord for the lives of our children but we seek Him first. And even if he doesn’t save them, we will still proclaim the glory of the Lord and worship Him in the midst of the blazing furnace.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts."

(Isaiah 55:8-9)

"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen."

(Ephesians 3:20-21)

Photography by: Jamie Georges

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Sep 23, 2020

Love and miss you too friend! Thank you for hearing my heart


Sep 23, 2020

Wow. Your words bring tears to my eyes! Thank you Rachel for writing about your journey through pregnancy and fear. Love and miss you.

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