I have said these words to myself more times than I care to think about. “It’s not fucking fair!” I have yelled it, screamed it, sobbed it, whispered it, whimpered it, and thought it. I know you have too. And guess what… we are both right. Life is one big game of Russian Roulette, and we caught the bullet, in the chest, to the heart. Life isn’t fair.
Losing your baby isn’t fair. Other women, who are, by reasonable standards, worse human beings than you, are having healthy babies. It makes no sense! From the moment you saw the pink “yes”on the stick, indescribable love and a motherly bond was formed. You ate all the right foods, went to the gym, took the pre-natals, and had every doctor's visit. You carried this baby with the intention of meeting them. You know you are a kickass mom, a good person… so why? You can try to reason it. Doctors will drain your veins trying to explain it. Pastors will recite verse after verse to ease it. You will read books to make sense of it. But the horrible truth is, life really isn’t fair.
My parents used to tell me as a child, life isn’t fair. When one of my siblings would get to do something I wanted to do, or we left the store without the sugar filled cereal I hoped for, this was the appropriate but frustrating answer my mom would recite to me. While growing up, you long to become an adult where it seems like you are able to create your own fairness. And in many circumstances, this is very realistic. You can choose your job, make more money, and buy whatever cereal you want at the grocery store. As an adult, we are able to shape much of the world around us so that it looks and, more importantly, feels like we want it to. We become disillusioned into believing that fairness, as a child, is a type of discipline, and as an adult, it is a rule that can be bent on our behalf.
Someone once told me, God isn’t interested in fairness. When I first heard this, it made me cringe. I became defensive toward this notion because I equated fairness with justice. My God is just, which means he’s fair. Right?
I am reminded of the two women who came before King Solomon. One mother had lost her son, the other had a healthy boy. The woman who had lost her baby was trying to claim the other boy as her own. Solomon said the child would be cut in half and each mother would receive a portion to resolve the issue. The true mother was willing to give her child away rather than let him be killed, and Solomon gave the healthy boy back to her. What the king proposed to the women was fair, but it was not justice. You can read the story in 1 Kings 3:16-28.
Sin in this world has created the void of unfairness in which we live. God isn’t interested in fairness because it was born out of sin, not righteousness. Do you think Moses thought it was fair that he was not allowed to enter the promised land after he had endured the grumbling of the Israelites for forty years in the desert and pleaded for their lives before God innumerable times?
As I scream to the Lord, over and over, this isn’t fucking fair. I believe he agrees with me. He knows what happened isn’t fair. He sees my anguish. He feels my frustration. He understands my lack of control. I used to think that Jesus came to earth to take away my pain. Now I believe he came to bear it with me. If I think he came to take all my pain away on the cross, then I am left cursing his name. For he didn’t succeed. I am broken because of my circumstance. If I believe he came to know how deeply I hurt, then I am left curling up into his arms with his tears washing over me. And once again he is a compassionate king and father. (Most days.)
When I read the story of the two mothers, I am thrilled for the woman who receives her baby, but my heart weeps for the mother who was left with nothing but empty arms. This is a feeling I am all too familiar with. I doubt King Solomon was thrilled with the overall outcome. He is one of the most emotional bible characters we know, rivaled only by his father David. I believe Solomon was heartbroken for the second mother, but he knew what was just for the living boy.
Fair is a trap sin has laid for us. When we accuse God that losing our babies isn’t fair, it puts us at odds with Him. When I am saying, “My situation isn’t fair” I am really saying, “You don’t love me enough to give me what I want.” Fairness begets selfishness. Do we not see that with the two mothers? The first mother was so selfless, wanting justice for her son, that she would have given him away. The second was so blinded by fairness, that she was okay with depriving the first mother of her son as well.
God isn’t interested in fairness because he isn’t selfish. He is Just. And justice says, you can always trust me. Believe me, I know how difficult this seems. To trust him. And I’m working on it. I’m trying on a daily basis to convince myself I can trust Him with my family and my womb. Maybe you don’t today and maybe you won’t tomorrow, but somehow, I think trying to trust is all that really matters to God. I believe God knows that my trust in Him was violated when he chose not to breathe life back into my son. But I choose to believe that God is going to gain my trust back. He has already descended into the trenches of my sorrow through His son, and I have to believe he won’t leave me there alone. Because otherwise, I'm stuck.
So do it. Scream, “life isn’t fucking fair,” as loud as you can, because Jesus thinks so too. He is nailed to my cross alongside me. Love never leaves the heart where it finds it. Which is true for both my love of my son Jasper, and of God’s love for me. He won’t leave my heart here. And he won’t leave yours.
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