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A Journey Through Miscarriage & Stillbirth

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Welcome to Heart Of My Own Heart.

If this is the first time you have visited my site, I would encourage you to start reading from the very beginning. Although I am not the woman I was when I first began this blog, you deserve to know her. If you are one of my fellow women struggling with tragic loss, you deserve to encounter the woman who had fallen into the deepest darkness and began the journey of crawling her way back into the light. 

I understand this is my unique journey. You don't have to agree with anything I write, and you don't have keep reading. My only hope is, if you are willing to brave the darkness with me, post by post, we may find some peace together. 

Ephesians 5:8 "For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord..."

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This Sinking Ship

I am a storm. Raging. Unsettled. One big hot mess. I don’t sleep well. My anxiety produces instant heartburn. My prayers are mostly fear...


I liked my life. Correction, I loved my life exactly the way it was. My loving husband, incredible son, sweet dog, and our little rental...

I Wish I Could Just Be Sad

Losing my son is so hard in so many ways. Tragedy brings along a handful of emotions when it comes to town. Sometimes I think it would be...

I Am Not Content

I love my family. My husband and son are the absolute greatest joys in my life. And yet, I find myself living with a void. I am not...

The Doctor & The Detective

Loss is a doctor and a detective. It wields both a scalpel and a magnifying glass. It has the ability to fillet us open where it then...

Before, And After

I love public speaking. I love the process of dreaming up and writing a speech, I love the practicing, but most of all, I love the final...

Where Were You?

As I reluctantly climbed into the hospital bed for my induction, my heart continued to sink into the depths of disbelief. How could this...

Life Isn't Fucking Fair

I have said these words to myself more times than I care to think about. “It’s not fucking fair!” I have yelled it, screamed it, sobbed...

You Changed Me

I was watching the show Once Upon A Time. (Yes, yes I was watching it, and I am unashamed!) The evil queen, Regina, is no longer evil and...

My Story

It’s the numbness I felt first. It set like concrete, hard, and permanent, as the doctor told me she couldn’t find the heartbeat. Then...

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Rachel Feriend is a devoted wife and adventurous mother. She is a stay at home mom who lives in Redmond Oregon with her husband Charles. They love every minute of wrangling their son Jaxon and daughter Christine, and throwing the frisbee for their dog Birdy on a daily basis. Rachel is a writer and speaker as well as the founder of the non-profit organization The Jasper Fox Project. She is a Christian and believes family and friends are the greatest blessings. 

Rachel has a heart for women who have experienced miscarriage and stillbirth, as well as women struggling with infertility. Her hope is that this blog would be a place of peace, tears, and love.  

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Be Thou My Vision

The name of my blog is derived from the hymn, "Be Thou My Vision". It has always been one of my favorite hymns, and it happened to be one of the songs I sang to myself while in the hospital with our stillborn son, Jasper Ryan Feriend. The last verse contains the lyric, "Heart of my own heart whatever befall, still be my vision, oh Ruler of all." I thought the name fitting because not only is our loving Father the heart of our own heart, but so are our dear children who have passed on to be with Jesus. 

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