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  • Writer's picturerachelferiend

This Sinking Ship

I am a storm. Raging. Unsettled. One big hot mess. I don’t sleep well. My anxiety produces instant heartburn. My prayers are mostly fear based. No amount of Midol can tame my hormones and emotions. There isn’t enough alcohol in the world to drown my pain. My mantra has become, “Whatever it takes to numb it away.” What lifeboat could possibly save this sinking ship?

Jesus found himself in a storm too. We aren’t the only ones. One afternoon, Jesus and his disciples were sailing across the sea of Galilee and a terrible storm came upon them. The disciples were terrified and thought they would surely perish. The entire time, Jesus was asleep. The disciples become so fearful, they finally woke Jesus asking him if he cared if they died. Jesus then calmed the storm.

I don’t know about you, but it is difficult to sleep through a storm. High winds, rain, and lightning are not conducive to a deep REM cycle. What I love about Jesus in this story, is he finds peace in the storm. Peace enough to sleep through it.

God doesn’t let storms affect him. Unlike me. I have let my circumstance change the intensity and amount at which I love the Lord. Are we not all guilty of this at some point in our lives? When your husband gets the raise, we rejoice. When your mother gets cancer, we withdraw. When I married my husband, I prayed more and loved harder than ever before. When I lost my son I told God to F*** off. I have let the blessings in my life allow me to love God more, while justifying pain as a worthy excuse to withdraw my praise from him.

But God isn’t like me. Which I am realizing, more and more, is my saving grace. When Adam and Eve sinned, which was the greatest and worst storm ever, God didn’t decide to love them less, despite the fact they absolutely ruined His incredible world. They messed it all up, and yet, He loved them the same. When I chose to walk away from God in college, He loved me. When I chose to curse him, He loved me. When I told him I hated him for letting my baby die, He loved me. God has never let circumstance change how he feels about me. Perhaps I need to learn from Him. Because not only does God not let sin change his love for me, but He chooses to act when I am fearful my storm will overtake me.

Jesus didn’t let the storm continue once he saw the fear of his friends. He acted. He changed the situation. He let the disciples experience the same peace he had by calming the storm. And slowly, but surely, Jesus is calming the storm raging in me. He continues to let time pass, which helps. He brings days filled with sunshine. He lets me enjoy my beautiful son every day. He gave me an incredible partner to shoulder the burden with. See, He is bringing his peace. It just looks different than I thought it would. The death of my son is not too big a storm for Him to deliver peace.

God can handle my storm even if I can’t. He knows I will fall in and out of love with him the rest of my life. But He promises his love for me will never change.

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